Mothers & Daughters
November 6th, 2008Success For Women Club > MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS by Dr Charmaine Saunders
Dr Charmaine Saunders is an amazing lady who help me get through a very difficult time in my life when I was going through depression and a divorce (lovely combination). She is full of love and warmth and has helped many through difficult times in their lives. Charmaine has been in the Personal Development field for 20 years after a teaching career in English and Literature. She has kindly provided this article which gives insight to the beautiful yet complex relationship between Mother and Daughter.
The mother-daughter relationship is the single most complex and difficult one there is. For each of us, our relationship with our mother is the most important and significant of our lives. It affects every other we have into the future. However, for mothers and daughters, it takes on an added layer of meaning, never more in evidence than during the teenage years. As little girls, Mums are adored and looked up to but around puberty, they suddenly become the enemy. Let us examine why and how it might be improved.
Firstly, why is it such a complicated relationship?
* Rivalry:
Being of the same sex, there is natural competition between a mother and daughter. From the mother’s point of view, she sees in her daughter her own fading youth. She sees all the chances her daughter has that far exceeded her own, all the years ahead that mark the ending of her life but the blossoming of her daughter’s. From the daughter’s viewpoint, she wants to break free and establish her own style. She resents being seen as a carbon copy of the older woman, compared, often unfavorably. If her mother is young and pretty, it’s even worse. This sense of competitiveness can be alleviated by each focusing on their own individual qualities whilst emphasising the other’s in a positive way.
* Conflict:
This is basically caused by the generation gap. Mothers tend to say things like `in my day’ or `when I was your age’ which goes down like a lead balloon. Teenage girls look on their mothers as old-fashioned, out of touch and generally a pain. The wise mother gives advice with utmost care, not pushing her point of view and going easy on the rules. While teenage daughter is dealing with all her inherent dramas and daily stresses, Mum might be going through menopause or mid-life crisis which means that they cannot always be available for each other. This can create a wide emotional chasm that might last for many years. Talking frankly about this before it reaches a point of conflict is the only answer. Once there is a conflict, a third party is usually needed to help resolve it, such as an older sibling, the other parent or even an outside party who can offer an objective view.
* Communication:
This is probably the most difficult area for mothers and daughters. Teenagers don’t want to talk to anyone but their peers, other young people who speak the same language - teenage! Mothers keep trying but often fall into bad habits and create further distance instead of closeness. Later in this article, I have offered a range of suggestions to improve communication which is the cornerstone of all relationships in life. Without effective methods of communication, how can we ever know or understand one another? Communication is not only verbal; it’s also about listening skills and body language which when we learn how to read, can bridge a lot of gaps.
* Relationships in common:
Girls have a habit of idealising Dads and criticising Mums so this can cause a good deal of discord and tension within the family and home. It’s important that parents present a united front, refusing to be played off by daughters. The same applies to siblings. Other children in the family, both boys and girls, can get caught up in the mother/daughter conflict. Younger daughters who are not feeling hostility towards their mothers become confused and disillusioned when they witness the fights and arguments. If there are more than two generations in the home, as with extended family units, the complexities multiply again.
* Stress:
Each of the two parties have their own individual stresses. The daughter is going through all the usual teenage angst - school, emerging sexuality, peer pressure, growing up, etc; Mum has all the grown-up stresses - marriage, chores, fatigue, parenting, balancing all the different parts of life. These various stresses will clash and exaggerate the already existing difficulties. Both should practise stress management for their own individual health and wellbeing but also in order to avoid clashing more than is absolutely necessary. Sometimes, just telling each other you feel stressed can make you feel better instead of taking out your pressure on the other person.
Strategies for improvement:
For daughter -
Show respect even when you feel unfairly treated
Try not to sneak around as that will only arouse suspicion whether justified or not
Introduce your friends to your parents
Ask for the things you want rather than just rebelling to get your own way
Remember your Mother has lived a bit longer than you and might know just a little more
If you feel extra stressed, depressed or anxious, reach out and talk to your mother - she understands more than you realise
Don’t expect your mother to like your taste in clothes, boys, music, movies or anything much
Insist on your right to privacy but also don’t forget parents are human and have needs too
Compromise as much as you can
Do chores graciously
See all the little acts of love your mother does every day
For Mother -
Ask more, tell less
Keep rules to a minimum
Reduce pressure wherever possible
Tamp down your anger even when severely provoked
Speak softly but firmly
Don’t make threats you don’t intend to keep
Draw boundaries and keep to them
Refuse to be spoken to rudely or tolerate swearing
Respect your daughter’s personal space and wishes
Never attempt to deal with problems when tempers are raised
Be the bigger person - don’t go down to the teenager’s level
Be prepared to apologise if you believe you’ve been unfair or unkind
Give lots of praise and only constructive criticism
Be interested in your daughter’s music, studies, friends, hobbies
Go shopping together but don’t impose your taste
Be consistent in all things, as far as humanly possible
Answer questions about sex openly and honestly
Keep looking for the beautiful traits in your teenage daughter, no matter how well-hidden!
Once a daughter goes from teenager to young woman, a lot of these mother-daughter difficulties seem to evaporate or at least, diminish. It is said that a girl only fully appreciates her mother when she becomes one herself. If there is a residual conflict from past years, it’s up to the two individuals to bury the hatchet and start fresh. All the points that have been raised - stress, conflict, poor communication, jealousy - no longer need to be obstacles to a happier, stress-free relationship. Anyway, it’s worth the effort and the wait because an adult mother-daughter relationship is a fine and strong bond, built on love, friendship and mutual respect.
MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS > Success For Women Club
